Maybe I'll be a zombie

Friday my husband and I went to the clinic, because I was going to need labwork soon anyway, and because a few things are bothering us, and because Trump is trying to get rid of Obamacare. Knowing that I would need labwork, I put off eating breakfast and went in early to have blood drawn, if they could squeeze me in, which they did.

This very nice lady tried to tell us about an app and about talking to the doctor over the phone. Wouldn’t I rather do that? When I need labwork anyway? No.

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So then she asked if my husband also wanted to have blood drawn. Well, does it say he is supposed to have blood drawn? No. Okay then, no.

So I got my blood drawn and it wasn’t bad and then we went to get breakfast and dropped stuff off at Goodwill and then went home for a few hours before going back to the clinic to describe our various problems.

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I mentioned feeling nauseous, mentioned some other things, said that I thought it was mostly stress. So before seeing the doctor this other lady asks me stuff like do I feel hopeless? No. Not now. I think I did in March and early April, but not now. Now feels more like the normal worrying about things when I don’t know what is going on.

So I finally get to see the doctor, and we talk about symptoms and drugs that I am taking and maybe I should try something new. But she has to look at the labwork first, so for now I am supposed to take half a dose.

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And then we talked about menopause and hot flashes. And I really wanted to try to describe what I had, just in case it wasn’t hot flashes, because I talk to other people who don’t describe my problem at all. Yes, I feel warm and if I am at home I just take off my clothes and I feel better. But at night when I am trying to get to sleep or after I have managed to get to sleep I wake up and throw off the covers, but that isn’t enough, and being hot isn’t the worst of it. I’m just really uncomfortable, and if I don’t get up it will get painful. I find it difficult to explain, as I have other pain that I have with stress, but this is different. I decided that it is best described as feeling like I am falling, except that I don’t feel it in my stomach just mostly my arms and legs. It feels like being on a rollercoaster, at the point where I am going down the hill and thinking this was a very bad idea, I have made a mistake but it is too late now, and the bad feeling in my stomach spreads to my arms and legs and maybe my feet and my face. So it is like that, only without feeling it in my stomach, which is where I would feel it the most if I were really falling.

So I think that is a better description than just saying I feel hot. I get up and go to the bathroom and when I wash my hands I put water on my arms and sometimes my face, and I feel better. And I wonder if it has more to do with getting out of bed and walking a bit more than cooling off with the water. But the way others have described hot flashes they haven’t described any of this other stuff, so I worried that it might actually be something else. But the doctor said that everyone is different. And she said she was going to give me something that wasn’t made for menopause but it has been known to help, and with the other things I am complaining of and the stress this might be better for me.

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And then we talked about heartburn, cause I wanted to make sure I had that instead of something else, cause I don’t feel it near my heart I feel it in my throat. Yep, that’s still heartburn, and there’s a pill for that and you need to take it first thing in the morning at least half an hour before eating anything. And I think it I have had this pill before as it was also supposed to help with the nausea. Okay. It’s all going to be good, I think.

My husband then talks to the doctor and says it hurts when I do this. We have both gained the Pandemic 15, but she just says that we need to try some grilled vegetables and we don’t get the lecture I was expecting. And my husband needs blood drawn, so he has to go back the next morning. Of course he does.

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Saturday we go get Chinese takeout, the most boring Chinese takeout I can think of, and we go get my prescriptions from Walgreens, and they are almost out of my blood pressure meds and want to charge me for five pills, no thank you I will just come back for that next week. They don’t have the heartburn/nausea stuff that was the only reason I went out to deal with idiots who won’t social distance on a Saturday, not that they ran out like the blood pressure meds, they just didn’t get the prescription from the doctor, and since it’s a weekend they can’t ask for it until Monday.

Okay then. Might as well not waste the trip so I go to Dollar Tree and someone behind me will not get the fuck away from me because it doesn’t matter and she says she is not going to move. I make a bit of a scene and she is still right behind me. Whatever, I’m done and leaving now anyway.

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We go home and I eat my boring Chinese food, which was more boring than I imagined but after eating some of it I do feel better. And I take the not really made for hot flashes pill.

I look up side effects. Apparently I have agreed to possibly having strange dreams, decreased sex drive and trouble having an orgasm (there’s more decreased sex drive?), decreased appetite, anxiety and nervousness, weakness, dry mouth, diarrhea, indigestion, flu (really? the flu? What the fuck does this have to go with the flu?), erectile dysfunction (I personally do not have the required parts for this), trouble sleeping (part of the reason for taking this pill in the first place), nausea (more?), sore throat, rash, watery nasal discharge, sleepiness, sweating and hot flashes (ISN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO PREVENT???), tremors, and yawning.

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And that’s just the small stuff that is common. There’s another long list of other stuff starting with hallucinations.

What the fuck?

Okay, so I have been prescribed a drug, and the more common name of the drug is Prozac. I’ve been given an antidepressant. And I don’t think she actually said that word or Prozac. I would have had more questions.

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In the past I have generally avoided these. I worry about taking them. I worry that I will spend all my time in bed watching TV (like I currently do now anyway), that I will stop being creative, that I will stop wanting to do anything, that I will stop having sex (mostly there already), that I’ll be in the minority of people who get worse or kill themselves, etc.... But I just mainly worry that I somehow won’t be me anymore, and either no one will notice I am not me anymore, or people will prefer the not me if not me is the tiniest bit more like the women of Stepford.

I am taking a fucking antidepressant.

We’re thinking this is not one of the really bad ones, but it makes me think of the thing from Serenity/Firefly. Or I might go the other way and become a Reaver. Or I might die.

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So this is something I have avoided, except for when I have really been in serious pain and I AM FUCKING GOING TO DIE OR TAKE ILLEGAL DRUGS OR I DON’T KNOW WHAT EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NEVER HAD A BEER OR A CIGARETTE JUST FUCKING TAKE ME TO A DOCTOR GIVE ME SOMETHING PUT ME IN A RUBBER ROOM SOMEBODY FUCKING DO SOMETHING. But then it is like, no, we’re not going to help you do that, that’s just normal being sad about something, a normal part of the grieving process, you shouldn’t take drugs for that. But getting upset about other people doing stuff and not wanting to get rid of my stuff, apparently I should take drugs for that.

Fuck other people’s priorities.

But, I have this Prozac, and if I don’t have an immediate bad reaction I am going to try it because menopause and because pandemic and because ‘murica doesn’t make it better because freedumbs.

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But I might end up being a non-creative and unproductive zombie.

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